I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
