your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
