i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
