Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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