It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
