I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
