This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
