Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
