Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
