it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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