On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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