as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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