so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
