I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
