haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
