John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.