I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
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For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...