benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
