my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
