just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
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Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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