Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This is my gift to your gina
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
