You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.