I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i now understand why vodka