I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
