I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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