Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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