When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
