yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
