So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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