So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
