life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
