We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
