worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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