Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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