chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
