it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
