so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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