It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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