what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
