oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
