can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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