it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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