I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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