I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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