dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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