I just threw up on my dentist
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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