he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
is it fun? or sober?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
