I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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