I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
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the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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