i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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