I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
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You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
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I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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