if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
