i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
