So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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