Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
