i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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