The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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